I'm the Bitch

So I guess my blog needs to have an "I love you Mom (and Dad)" right? Then maybe in the future when I am upset I can come back and read about my parents to remind me of how much I could hate/love them at the same time.

I've been complaining about how I can't wait to land in China. For the past month I've just been completely bombarded with criticisms from my mom and I have never hated hearing my name so much in my entire life! No one's around to be my mom's bitch so I'm stuck being her bitch. And I guess I'm not the only one who feels this way, but this woman likes to keep busy and I understand that, but sometimes she just needs to chill. I've been talking back and saying mean things because my bottle is full to the rim. Just too much nagging and bossing me around and so much "You Sucks!" (not literally), but they are totally bashing my self-esteem! I have gotten so used to being my own person for the past 4 years that I cannot go back to this lifestyle, so I really really just need to get out of the house.

But even with all this, I have unconditional love for her because she supports me education and career wise and I love that. Just wish she wasn't faced with so many stressors in life so she could be more relaxed and then I wouldn't feel so frustrated in the house. I guess my dad isn't around much that he doesn't stress me out, but I can feel his love even though he doesn't agree with my future plans. There's a lot to talk about, but I'll save that for some other time. I just want to remind myself that I love them dearly and I would not know what to do if I lost them. I would be completely lost...I love you both!

Women

So this past Sunday, my parents hu plig for my graduation and going away to China. I was in the kitchen peeling ginger and my 4th mom was cleaning chicken. My relative, who'd had been living with us for a few years finally got his own place and his wife and son were able to move to the U.S. However, he's been seeing another woman for quite some time now so his wife has been really sad.

In the kitchen she was talking about how there was no point for her to move here. She doesn't understand how a couple (her and her husband) who had loved each other so much can just suddenly fall apart. She said he hated her so much and she couldn't do anything about it.

My stepmom said for her to stop being so sad and to stop thinking about death. She should change her looks, dress prettier, fix her hair, look nice. My stepmom said, "I will never die for a guy. I'll outlive him and be happy." Her thoughts were so positive that I thought it was awesome to listen to such powerful thoughts.

And then last night I watched this movie on General Vang Pao and two ladies were singing kwv txhiaj. They couldn't finish singing because "we women have soft hearts". They said they were also crying because their husbands were away and were not there to give them tissue.

I don't know, I just thought it was interesting to see how women describe themselves... But like luanlegacy said, "If you're already feeling sorry for yourself, why should I?" You got to be the change you want to see.

Eat to Live

I was googling up dieting tips just so I can maintain my weight and not gain too much especially since I will be in China soon! Anyway, I stumble across the phrase that says "eat to live, not live to eat" and the funny thing is that what I'm looking forward to the most in China is food! I know this is something I should practice, but I'm still not going to think twice and I'm still looking forward to THE FOOD :)

Half Siblings

Tonight my half siblings came over. The oldest girl is 5, the boy is 4 and the younger girl is probably 3? Anyway, I had such a lovely time with the kids! They were all so talkative and normal! Not to say they're abnormal in any way, but when they were younger they were shy and didn't talk much, so I never connected with them on any level. Now they blabber on and on in Hmong and it is amazing!

This intense excitement was mixed with confusion. My mom is also their "mom" but I kept referring to her as grandma (on accident) because my nieces and nephews are around their ages. I guess I forgot to mention that I am their "sister" but I told them that Cyndah (my 4 year old niece) was their auntie when it was the other way around. Cyndah is their niece! It will be really weird to grow older and to think of these terms: sister, aunt, mom, grandma, etc. when the age gap is so big (on my side of that family that is...).

But all in all, although I've changed my mind about having kids, I still love kids. They're all so adorable (in some ways).

The Rainbow Zebra

Once in a jungle far away, a herd of zebras spent each day. They grazed on grasses in the sun. They pranced and played and had great fun. They all wore stripes of black and white, which to the zebras seemed just right. "Black and white's the way to be," they all agreed contentedly. They were quite happy with their lot, except for one. His stripes were not black and white but a brighter hue...yellow, green and red and blue. This little zebra said with a sigh, "I want to be like you...oh why can't I be black and white too, not yellow, red and green and blue?" He tried to scrub his stripes away! He tried to fade them in the sun! He tried to cover they with clay! But nothing worked. No way. Not one. So finally one dismal day he waved, "Farewell!" and went away. He told the herd, "I must go see if somewhere there's someone like me."

He walked until he came by chance upon a place called Jungle Ranch. "Here," he said, "I hope maybe to find someone who looks like me." He met a leopard wearing lots of splendid orange polka dots. A silly green gazelle was there and a sleepy lion with red hair. He met all sorts of jungle creatures with bright colors and pleasant features. "You're nice," he said, "as nice as can be, but none of you are striped like me." And so he walked for hours and hours until he came to the Land of Flowers. Their smiling faces were green and blue and red and pink and yellow too. "But none of you are striped like me," the zebra sighed unhappily. And now quite tired, he lay his head upon the fragrant flower bed. He woke again to thunder and lightning and rain so heavy it was frightening. A dreadful storm had come to pass. It shook the trees. It shook the grass. And when at last the storm passed by. A rainbow arched across the sky. The zebra smiled with great delight at seeing such a wondrous sight. "A rainbow's beautiful to see. And it is striped...just like me."

Above is a cloth storybook that I found at a fabric store with my mom when I was a younger child. I asked her to sow it into a pillow case because this story meant something to me. I was always the odd one in the family in that I was a heavy child, I was always alone, and I didn't get along well with anyone. I wanted to keep this pillow case (even though I don't sleep on it) to remind me that I don't have to be like my siblings, my friends, or my peers to be AWESOME. Therefore, I hope this story inspire those who are feeling low. Think about the wonderful things in life and not those that bring you down. Most important of all, love who you are because we're not meant to be the same when we're shining in our own hue :)

The sister I never knew...

Yesterday I came home from the park and there was a little girl in a pink dress on the driveway. I said "Whose little girl is that?" About half an hour later, my youngest sister said she is Mai Yaj, our youngest half sibling. I was like "WHAT??!!! REALLY???? Are you serious? I swear she was born just a year ago, and now she's two and hopping around?" I told my sister to bring Mai Yaj to me and she did. The little girl sat on my lap and didn't say a word, but she was so adorable. My older sister PD said she looks just like me when I was a young child, but I don't know...

Anyway, my sister Der took Mai Yaj away. Later on, she came back inside the house and I motion for her to come toward me while I had little baby Teddy on my lap. She came forward and we started talking! She was very good at talking. Later on, I took photos with her and my half brother. It's so weird that after 2 years I finally met her. What's even better is that she wasn't even afraid of me! Adorable!

Trusting Strangers?

Today I was jogging at Lake Phalen and this Hmong guy carrying a baby looked at me and started saying something. I took off my headphones and he said, "If you see a little boy on his bike, tell him we already passed him. Tell him we're at the parking lot". I said "Okay" and kept jogging on. When I got to the tunnel, where I will be heading home, I still didn't see any little boy on the bike (on his own). I started wondering if I was seeing and hearing things...

I thought this was strange because a random guy pulled me aside, was 200% sure I was Hmong (which I am) and started talking to me as if we knew each other. Told me to look out for his son and direct him on the right path. Why would he leave the little child behind? Why would he trust me? Am I seeing things? I must look really friendly...or mature...like a mother. Guess I'll never know why he decided to trust me. I don't know how to feel because I never saw a little boy. According to the postmodern view of reality, nothing is real. We create our own realities. Maybe I never talked to that father...

Ma'am, I Apologize...

I took my nephews to the park yesterday and there was a group of black kids hanging around a bench. Then suddenly a fight broke out between some boys. One of the boys picked up a big rock behind me and was going to throw it at another kid, but then another black boy hold him back saying "Don't do that. Don't you know there are little kids around". However, the one with the rock got loose and the one holding him back tapped my back and said,"Ma'am, I apologize for that". And I was so surprised at his remark, but I didn't even hesitate and just said "It's okay, thank you".

And the whole time I was staring at this courageous young fellow of probably 15 years old or so just holding back this kid with the rock who end up biting his hand. I just thought, "Wow...his parents raised him so well", even though I know nothing about him. This has never happened to me before, so I was shocked at the kind of formality and responsibility he illustrated. He cared about the children on the playground and he was aware of the negative impact it may have on kids and he even apologize for someone else's actions to me. I was very proud of him because I don't feel that many kids around me would respond such a way or even know how to think this way. This moment left a great impression on me for life. Thank you boy.

Have It Your Way?

Okay, so I rarely watch TV, therefore, I didn't know that "Have It Your Way" is Burger King's advertisement!

So, how did I actually get the name? Some person told me that I always wanted everything my way, so I thought of this phrase and used it as my blog title. I do believe that in order to be fulfilled I must have things my way. Of course, it's impossible because not everything goes your way all the time, but if I have the choice, might as well have it my way, right?

Picking at Nothing

When I was younger, say in elementary school, I would watch my youngest sister and put her to bed because my mom was working 2nd shift. The two of us grew up to have rough arms like my mom's (just a lot of goosebumps). But she was younger, so she probably didn't have any at that time. In order to make her stay in bed and not bored her out of her mind because little kids get bored easily (as Bella tells me how bored she is all the time), I would ask her to pick at these goosebumps. She would scratch my arms until she found a bump and then pick at it. I don't even know if anything comes off, but she was basically picking at nothing, not for no reason, but for company :D Now she's all grown up!

Fighting with Candy

I think candy is like using fists for kids. My nieces were fighting over how much candies they have at home. Sanjana said, "Well I have bubblegum and candy at my house" and for the past two days I've been pissing off Cyndah for pissing me off and she says she won't give me any candy. Haha, I love kids. Can't cut them off from candy, no we can't!

Counting with Kids

So I was teaching the little kids how to add with their fingers and my niece, Priya, was adding up 20+10. She counted 20 fingers and then counted 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, and 20-10 (twenty-ten). That's pretty intelligent for someone who hasn't gone to school yet!

A Deep Breath or a Deep Sigh?

Every time I sign onto Skype it says "Take a Deep Breath". Guess I've never really noticed that. I wonder if people notice when and how many deep breaths they take. I take a deep breath when I'm feeling low but I know things will get better, so I shrug it off with a deep breath.

The only time I really noticed my deep breaths or "sighs" are when I'm at work about to respond or do something I dread doing. Like responding to a complicated email message that involves checking numerous things. The only reason why I notice my deep sighs is that I hear myself and then begin to think whether it's rude and unprofessional to do that. I know I wouldn't like it much if I was to hear my co-workers sigh heavily all the time. But what if that deep breath is just some sort of energy or power booster to get things going?

Maybe I'm confusing myself between a deep breath and a deep sigh. Are they different or the same? If they do happen to be 2 different things, at least they end up doing the same thing right? Giving us a little boost to facing reality :)